It is nearly 3am and I cannot sleep. Another sleepless night, this time my coughing woke me up and I gave up the fight. No big deal, I'll sleep later today. I have had many sleepless nights lately, a lot has happened and excitement keeps me awake.
I have not written a word since last November or even recorded past posts as I had planned. The end of the year was not great and I did not want to do anything that I did not feel like doing; that is how I take care of myself now. I do things when I feel like doing them, no pressure.
I am not an end of year celebrations lover but I still managed to enjoy them when my brother was alive. So last year, I had planned to stay alone for 10 days and make it pass without having to put a brave face for anyone. I miss him so much. Covid changed my plans and my daughters stayed home with me, forced self isolation. We had a good time and I made the effort to make it as festive as possible. They are easy and nice and deserved it, we laughed a lot and just like that, I made it to the end of the year without feeling sad.
There is one thing though that I have been feeling lately and thinking about a lot, it is how lonely, empty I can feel sometimes. I do not mind being alone, but loneliness is something that I am having issues dealing with and I have never felt so lonely in my whole life. Covid is of course not helping the feeling. The truth is, I find it very difficult to connect with people and it is partly my fault, first because with me it is all or nothing, I make friends or nothing. Second, because my brother was the only person I really relied on and I never felt lonely knowing he was always around for me. What happens when that person dies? You feel completely disconnected and that how I have been feeling.
It is not easy to speak about loss, and people usually do not want to talk about it, so you do not, and keep your feelings to yourself and then feel lonely and it is a never ending draining cycle. So, I am talking about it as I know that keeping it bottled up is not going to help and that I will get better with time, I know, well I hope. I have some very precious people in my family and friends I can open up to so I am not completely alone but I really miss my alter ego and that feeling is hard to ease. So, Talk, Talk, Talk and hope for better, for yourself and the people you love. Loss is a bitch but I do cherish the great moments and I know that even when I will feel deeply lonely in the future, I still have the chance to have great people who love me. Hope has always been my strength in the worst moments of my life, sometimes it annoys me but if I am honest I have made it to today thanks to an unwavering belief that tomorrow will be better; it works trust me.
Never say never as the end of the year brought an unexpected news for me; even if I did wish it for two seconds: I accepted a corporate job, that could be my dream job, I will confirm or deny in three months. I have just started and I am really excited about it. No, I am not giving up modelling, on the contrary. I am just going to find the right balance between both worlds and make the most of it. I am lucky to have the flexibility to manage my time. Yes, I can hear you say:"but you said you did not want to go back to corporate" and that is true, I said it. The reality of modelling is that one day you are making big money and the next month you have nothing and it can be hard financially, add to this the delay in getting paid and you get the story. Now, I have a fixed comfy income and I can keep on modelling. I have a dream that cannot wait until modelling is my main and only income so I am going to boost it with this new job.
I started 2022 with a great new corporate challenge and a nice first modelling job, now may this be a good year....and a happy new year to you all.