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My Mental Wellness and how it took me years to acknowledge it

2020 was the worst year of my life and I am sure that billion of people can relate. It brought so much pain but at the same time so much hope that even writing it, I have my doubts and I feel guilty. I have been through the same ordeal as billions of people with the pandemic but tried not to complain as I feel privileged compared to others who are in much worst living arrangements than I.

I welcomed the break at the beginning, I was exhausted by work. But then it all went crazy and I think the worst was the uncertainty and the fact that leaders all over the world had no idea of what they were doing, some doing much worst than others.

Being at home and not being able to go on with your life, means you have plenty of time to think, too much in fact.

I have always had this inner conversation with myself, I have been in self therapy all my life and been functioning well like this for years. Worst case scenario when I am stuck with myself, I have a strict trusted support bubble I can talk to, and we usually find a solution to my problem. I am used to communicating with my friends and family by phone as they all live abroad, so I was doing quite well at the beginning of the pandemic, I am used to missing my loved ones. Then the worst happened and I had to fly in the middle of a pandemic to my brother's funeral and after this my mental wellness went down. I think the worst for me was to see my family's pain and not being able to soothe them. Death is irreversible and it is the first time I am in this situation.

Throughout all my life ordeals, I have never felt so powerless and that is the real blow.

Well, talk and share that is what I do. I have no other choice than to be positive and move forward. I have two daughters and have the responsibility of their wellness so I simply cannot give up. It is not always easy but I can be myself with them and when I do not have the energy to be the super hero mum, I just say it and they understand. I can't give if I am not well and I don't even pretend. I take the time to regroup and try to have a quiet time, the following day is usually better.

Nowadays, everybody talks about Mental heath, illness, wellness, whatever the term. I have chosen to talk about mental wellness with its ups and downs and have no shame to say it as it is: "I am not well, I need some "me time", not today etc". Sometimes I feel confused about all the talk around Mental health. It even used to anger me because it meant that my own demons were being exposed, over and over again.

Over communication can also be a pain but all in all it helped me understand myself better and above all understand others better. I have read articles, books and watched documentaries and there is one that really stayed with me: The Me You Can't See (Apple TV). It is really well done and I really felt like I could relate and understand Mental Health as if I was having a conversation with a friend. You understand the importance of just listening and sharing.

I know that back in the days there was no support and that children and teenagers voices were not heard but it starts then, if we want healthy adults we should listen to our children.

I am at this time of my life where I have never felt so hopeful despite last year and even if I feel sad and angry from time to time, I still want to spread love and laughter so I will always make sure that my mental wellness is at a level where I can be myself to love others. I don't believe in dealing with my demons the clinical way, it is not for me; I tried. Good for me if I can function thanks to my family and friends; knowing that I am blessed to have such support. Whatever way you choose to deal with your mental wellness, just do it. Whatever the issue is, let it out, it is the only way at a chance of an healthy life.

As a model, I go on set whenever I am booked with the mood of the day that I leave at the door if it's dark, I usually brighten up on set, so perfect natural medicine. I feel privileged to do this job, it is not mentally or physically hard, I don't save lives, I have no pressure. If I have a piece of advice to give it is when you go on set be on your best behaviour, greet everybody and have a nice time.

It sounds obvious but there are still people who think that they can behave disrespectfully because they are such and such and that is the worst thing to do to yourself if you want to stay in this industry and work continuously.

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